My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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