My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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