she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
