this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
