Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
