Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
