so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
