I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
