Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Randomize
