This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
