she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
