someone threw a dead crab at me
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
