thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
