I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
