she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
