Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
