4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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