Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
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