So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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