i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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