i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Randomize
