my phone needs a breathalizer
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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