Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Randomize
