There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Randomize
