Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
