Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
