just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
