We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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