Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
