Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
