I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
