my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
So much rum. So many feels.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize