I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
