True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
