This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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