I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
