one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize