Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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