Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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