Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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