Cold hands, warm shart.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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