I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
