Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
