Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Randomize
