I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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