you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
