a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
