Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
