he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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