you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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