Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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