When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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