Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
