and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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