You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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