i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
