it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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